My problem with alcohol first started way back in my teens but it was a bit later I realised that the problem was bigger than I thought...

I'm going to start where my marriage was falling apart. It was always such a big thing in the in-laws’ lives to have a drink. I thought it was normal but I've got to admit it wasn't the life I wanted. We were either drinking and partying at theirs, or I was at home alone partying.

Every weekend my son was at his grandparents and my husband was “at his friend's” (I later found out he wasn't and that he was having an affair.)

I always thought I was a party girl but I now realised I just wanted to be liked and to have friends. Somehow I found myself in a world of chaos caused by drinking and burying my problems under the carpet. No one respected my boundaries and alcohol was always there as my friend.

When I finally separated from my husband I struggled sharing my son. Going from full time mum to part time, I didn’t know who I was, I was confused without my son. Yet again drink was my friend and I got myself a job in a night club. I see now it wasn't the best idea, but it all became part of my journey to recovery.

Being a barmaid started off great, then I was introduced to sneaking drinks on the job and eventually drugs. I would be coached through my first bomb. The drinking and drugs got worse and in the end I ended up being sacked.

So off I go to the next pub I can find that would give me a job. This job was different although my drinking and drugs were on another level. I was having flashbacks of past traumas and I was drinking to get rid of them to the point of blackout. I was also going missing.

One cold rainy winter night I planned to end it all. The tide was high and I knew if I could just hide from my friends on the beach the tide would take me. But it didn't… my friends found me.

I carried on with my same routine week to week, and having three-day binges. In between all this mess I met my lovely partner who really did help pick me up from the pit, but of course I wasn’t used to anyone loving me so I tried pushing him away. I only realise that now thanks to my counsellor.

My last night as a barmaid was a crazy one and I ended up falling down a flight of stairs after then finished up in hospital. After that I had a few more weekend binges before I really did hit rock bottom. Eventually I checked myself into The Woodlands Centre for Acute Care, and it was there I got my list of diagnoses. One stood out the most... I was an alcoholic!

I was so confused and didn’t understand how this was true. All my friends did worse than me. Everyone I knew drank! I felt ashamed, embarrassed, how could I be one of them – an alcoholic?!?

Either way I decided there and then that I was getting help and was quitting drinking. Woodlands helped support me and get me under ESRA and Health and Mind. ESRA helps support people with addictions and one day I hope to become a support worker there.

I also attended AA during the first few months of sobriety, although I was terrified of going. My partner took me, I couldn't let go of him. There were a couple of lovely ladies who came over, and one just hugged me the whole way through.

Recovery is hard but it is possible. I have now found true friends and can connect with myself better. I've achieved so much more in recovery than I ever have in my whole 32 years of living!

Finding recovery…

I found recovery in a psychiatric hospital. The one place I was always told by the ex that they would lock me up.

After years of being told i needed sectioning and that I was crazy, a psycho, a nutter, I came to believe that’s what they would do, lock me up!

After arriving with a friend I collapsed outside, a women from inside the building came out and with a calm voice asked 'Do you need help going in?’ I was in tears and shaking but managed to reply, 'I can't - you will take my child away from me.' That was another thing I was lead to believe and her reply was totally the opposite. She said 'Who ever told you that is a dickhead.' I totally wasn’t expecting that!

Inside it wasn't quite like I had imagined. It was cosy, warm and bright and the patients were walking around happily. I had imagined the opposite - the worst.

I saw people from the crisis team and a psychiatrist who were amazing. As I entered the room I decided to sit on the floor rather than chair. I curled into a ball and rocked, while pulling my hair and stretching myself. I hit myself in the head a few times.

I was diagnosed as an alcoholic suffering alcohol and drug-induced psychosis. I was also diagnosed with Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder, complex Post Traumatic Disorder, OCD, anxiety and depression. Another diagnosis that really stuck out was that I’m an alcoholic.

How was that even possible?

I felt ashamed and embarrassed but I was able to accept it quickly as deep down I had always known. I took all the support I was offered. I attended AA meetings, all different kinds of support groups, recovery groups, art groups and I’ve had counselling.

I now volunteer at the same place I started my journey to recovery, I find that helping others helps me to understand addiction more, and in the future I would like to become a support worker.

Recovery is an ongoing fight but so worth it.

Nineteen months down the line I’m still sober and free from cocaine. I can now communicate with myself and others better about my needs. I understand my values and boundaries thanks to recovery, and I now have a better life.